Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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