Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
