I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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