Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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