I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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