I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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