While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
