you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
God, I missed his penis.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
