I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
