everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
