i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
