the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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