I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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