I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
