i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
