I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
