i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
