I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
