im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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