Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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