Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
