I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
