i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
