how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
