I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
