I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
