Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
