he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
