ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
