Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Dignity is for republicans.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
