i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
