How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she told me i tasted like america
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
