someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
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