my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
