alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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