I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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