Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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