My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
