shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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