I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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