just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
