Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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