found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
