she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
