You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
