I wish I could teleport
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
