Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
