I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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