cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
