i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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