Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
