like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
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