I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
