SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
