ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
