I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
