i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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