I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
