Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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