Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
