I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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