his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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